Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
