bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
