I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
