I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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