I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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