you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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