Just took my morning after pill in the library
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
