Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
