Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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