I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
