That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
