i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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