She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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