My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
they need to just BURY HIM!
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
