he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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