you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
