Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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