These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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