Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
