At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
