dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
