i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize