I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
