last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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