You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
