Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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