so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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