I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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