If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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