Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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