It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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