Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
