I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize