R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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