I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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