Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
