I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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