i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
