This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
