I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
one two three fourrrrnication!
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Randomize
