He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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