Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
