whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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