Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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