dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
