for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
