my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
