so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
