I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
