yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
