One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize