Hey man sorry I got all grabby
After last night, I could never be a politician.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
