It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
