Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
