We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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