This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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