Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
