chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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