so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize
