I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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