Cold hands, warm shart.
I smell stomach acid.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
